Today, was the day, my sophomore year of high school ended.

Tonight, I sat in the bleachers of the schools football field and watched my seniors graduate.

Tonight, I saw my friend graduate on the same field we met, 3 years ago.

Tonight, I saw the boy who is obsessed with me, and gagged.

Tonight, I saw the boy I was in love with a year ago, walk by me as if we never met.

Tonight, I saw the boy that made last summer unforgettable, for the first time since he went 243 miles to my right, to a place known as California, and only called me on Christmas.

Tonight, I said good bye to the boy I have been crushing on for the past two months before he goes thousands of miles away and won’t see him for at least the next two years.

Tonight, I say Hello to summer 2012.

heidijlaughs:

Fake, fake, that’s a lie. You’re being so fake right now. Fake. Oh, bitch, wow, that was fake. You hate that band, stop acting like it’s your life, you hate that person, and you hate that too, oh, you’re being fake again. You’re being unreasonable and close minded, and whatever image of yourself you’re trying to put out right now is fake. That was bitchy. Fake. Go die.

I wrote this 5 months ago strictly based on what I was sensing. As a writer looking back at this I would say it is rude, bias, and  goes against ethics witch is something that as a journalist I should always go by, but now that it has been conformed…oh my, you fake ass bitch, haha, told you my unconsciousfeelings are always right;)

I should just write a novel about everything that has happened to me in the past three years.

We had a late start today so I got extra hour of sleep, took my little brother and cousins to school, then played on the playground with my niece. Afterwards I had to stay at my grandma’s house-merp-but it was okay because I got to be with my niece. When I was putting my make-up on she kept getting it and waving it around and pretending to put it on, until I just put everything in my bag and zipped it up but then she just took the whole bag! I tried to teach her how to say my name but she kept saying “hiya”. And before that she would just head bang when she saw me or to get my attention. lol

Then I met up with my friends and got burritos and was late to school on a friken late start! My make-up looked so good, I got complimented on it all day and my hair because it’s black now and I look awesome.

Then after school I saw my friend Jenny and she told me something about someone and oh! I just remembered my crush lol, jk, I don’t like him he called me adorable and I wasn’t even doing anything.

And my art project is looking pretty awesome. And my mother is being nice to me.

Things are getting weird…I give up.XP 

I really have to stop doing this but it just makes me so happy. The past few weeks I’ve been complaining about my boring life is and how it has been bringing me down. I have been so depressed and I know, I hate that word too, but I can not help it if that is the only word to describe how I am feeling even if it is the most over used, washed up word ever. 

I feel like I’m back now, back in the game, doing my own thing and I like it. Half of the things I do, I do for myself, and I do not understand anything that I have been doing these past few weeks, like dose anyone care about me? No! So why should I care about them? I just danced around my room for no reason at all and it felt awesome!

I noticed I stopped being awesome for a while and that is why people kept asking me “What’s wrong?”

How is one supposed to respond to that? How can something be wrong when you are only you? Of course they can mean there is a problem with you…

That is where they are wrong, there cannot be a problem with you, because the only one that is perfect at being you is you.

And yeah, I know, me dying my hair is not me, but I hate looking average, to look like the others, is not me either and if I have to alter myself in any way to show that I will not be part of an ignorant society I will. Even if I have to stand alone, because I like me. I’m awesome.

Oh, so I kind of forgot to blog about this because I did not believe it would happen, but it did.

A few months ago all the sophomores in my school were told about dual enrollment witch meant we could go to college and earn credit while still attending high school. Being the overachiever that I am, applied, and got in. A few weeks ago we had to take a placement test witch I think I did, somewhat good in, but I have not received anything backing that up. Yesterday, I received a letter that stated I got a full tuition scholar ship for the two years I will be going and all I have to pay for is books.

It’s not much, I mean all of my friends applied and got in and got the scholarship too, but to my family, it was like “Wow!” and my sis and dad were really proud like they always are about me, but what really made me happy was that my mother was actually really impressed, and she never gives a shit about me! She even told my older sister about it when she came over later that day. Even though the thrill only lasted a few moments, it was totally worth the effort I did not really put into it.:/

So for the past two weeks I’ve had at least three guys texting me and/or inviting me to go to their shows one of witch I haven’t seen in like a year (and he is hot, and I miss him) and I decided not to go to any of them…I’m kind of regretting that a lot right now.

Merp.

Oh and this is a message to Arizona,

It is barely spring, Mach just ended, it is not even close to summer yet, WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKEN HOT! Why? Why? Why!?

Why dose it have to be 80 degrees outside at friken 11:35 pm? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fuck you, and your bipolar weather! Fuck this shit, I’m going to California!

• They’re a celebrity I really like
• I know them, and want them to get more notes
• I wished I looked like them

I give up. I give up. I give up. I give up on trying to be nice, I give up not being a bitch. I give up on caring. I give up on my future. I give up trying not to put the mexican whore streotype on myself, who am I kidding everyone knows it and everyone hates me. Forget it, I give up. I give up trying to hide my OCD, my panic attacks, and my axiety. I give up, I’m a wreck, and everyone should see it. I give up, I cannot take this anymore, I give up. I’m tiered of being there for everyone and no one being there for me. I give up, no one cares, and everyone hates me. I give up, i’m not good enough for anyone. I’m ugly inside and out. I give up, I don’t even exsist to anyone, anymore. I give up, I’m a joke. I can’t beleive I even thought I could someday change the world. This is too much, I give up. Nothing is worth it anymore, when I’m not even noticed, and when I am it’s because they hate me. I give up, I’m useless, I was only born because they were bored, then I was given a nanny who is to blame for my unstablebility. I was ruind since the day I was born. I give up, I was never meant to have anything, this is all a mistake. I make mistakes, and I crumble down and in the end I can only help myself. I give up, my axiety can only take so much, but its done, so I give up. But I can’t goddamnit! I have to live through this fucken drag, and I hate it, I hate me. I’m so close to the end, just two more years. I cannot give up.